counting my blessings

things haven’t been going my way lately.

it seems as though my health (not even my chronic stuff anymore) is constantly faltering. the physical pain weighs stress on my body and on my mind week after week. i’ve already been trying to take care of my staggering mental health in every way i can. it seems like i don’t have enough time to figure everything out. i feel like i’m spreading myself thin to fix myself.

i didn’t foresee the extreme pitfall that is living alone with all of these things (bad physical/mental health) going on. if i’m away from my home-for-one, every problem i may worry about feels minimal and temporary. only when i come home to empty spaces and rooms and atmospheres do i feel the flood of everything bad rushing into my thoughts.

i feel alone.

i have to generate my own happiness instead of relying on those directly around me to share their joy with me. there aren’t many directly around me. i didn’t realize how hard that would be. it is so much easier for me to think about all the things in my life that i am struggling to fix when i am alone. i keep falling into pits of self-doubt and anxiety.

i have my space to breathe. but my space is dangerous. right now, it’s a little suffocating. at night, i’m locked inside with my head and my introspection and self-scrutiny. i’m fighting with myself constantly. i wish i were stronger.

lately, i have been relying on my friends more. being emotional a bit more. going to bed a little bit earlier after my friends leave so i can’t give myself the chance to be seized into my thoughts. it’s do-able for now but i’m trying to find ways to make it more sustainable.

i’ve been trying to more frequently and genuinely acknowledge all the good things i do have and that can make me happy. my progress has been small, but it has been getting better. i must count my blessings to get out of this rut.

i’ll get through this.

love, izzy

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and i'll be singing
halle-halle-halle-halle-halle-hallelujah
halle-hallelujah
whether you like it or not

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