slow down
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i have to keep reminding myself to slow down. to slow slow slow down. to not overanalyze minute details. to draw my attention away from the things that should matter less.

i had a little bit of a mental breakdown on monday. it was this feeling of pent up and enclosing anxiousness and fear of myself. my head was bubbling with self-deprecating thoughts that kept nagging and nagging at me. i was breaking myself down in small, stinging ounces. i knew that it was all in my head. it didn’t matter. i couldn’t stop myself from thinking of myself in this critical light of revulsion. i knew that it was agonizing me but for half the day i just couldn’t stop. i boxed myself in with my own thoughts. i was dipping back into old depressive habits when i was younger.

i called my mom.

and i clicked.

i distracted myself. i cleaned, made my bed, pounded out work, ate. i took a walk. and i took a bikeride to run errands that i had been putting off. just checking off boxes helped me feel better. i took some time to just sit in the sun for a little bit. i reached out to my friends for help. i felt better. i got some bright yellow flowers.

i’m more conscious of how my mind reacts to these bouts of anxiety. i can control them better. but in the moment, i feel entirely caged in my head. i just need to become better at seeing the bigger picture in these entrapping but minuscule moments.

i’m getting better.

thanks for hearing me.

just slow down, iz.

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"maximize all the pleasure"
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hi. it’s been awhile. a really long while. like almost a month a while.

it’s okay. i’ve been doing great. school is great. i’m glad to be back in los angeles despite it being 55˚F every day with only bits of sun here and there. i’m already thinking about how the summer will go, and that will be very exciting (for all of us). more to come.

i’ve been addicted to toro y moi lately. after seeing him in october (? i think) with my friend at the novo with his debut of outer peace with a hyperbolic light show, my addiction began. the full album didn’t come out until last month, so it’s been on repeat in my room while i sit in a dazed state near my window every couple of days.

toro just released the first music video for the new album: “ordinary pleasure”. it just exemplifies a) a visually satisfying single take, b) my dream studio, and c) my expert level of dancing (thanks for showing the dancer in you, chaz).

happy happy happy stuff.

bye for now.

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