i'm watching things

are you watching game of thrones? are you going to see endgame next week? what about high life or us or free solo? it seems like every week i’m watching something new in theatres or on hbo. the content has been endlessly (good, for the most part).

i’m watching other stuff too, day to day. here are the other things i’ve been loving.

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1. dead end

i found vewn recently after going down a rabbit hole of weird animated videos. dead end is another weird animated video with unnerving “camera” shots and pastel-y palettes and angular lines that evoke the lifeless atmosphere of a school counselor’s office.

“step 1: graduate

step 2: ?????????

step 3: profit!”

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2. the underdogs

i sent this to my parents the other day saying, “kind of anti-apple-aesthetic video, but i love it.” sums it up. we’ve been seeing more skit-like ads from apple lately instead of more “real moment” videos like my favorite one from christmas a few years back. hopefully for the better?

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3. me at 26

will is what i wished youtube was more of. every year, he reflects on changes in his life given his new age, sharing pictures to complement the things that he’s experienced. often they’re happy-sad. solemn but hopeful is a way i’d describe it. they never fail to soothe.

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4. billie eilish makes music differently

i don’t listen to billie eilish, but my friends do. she’s seemingly everywhere and it’s taken me a second to realize how incredible her success has been the past few months. in a facetime with a nytimes reporter, billie breaks down the entire process behind ‘bury a friend’ from recording a tooth drill during a dentist appointment to recording her entire album in her brother’s childhood bedroom. cool.

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happy saturday

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when you can't eat a lot of stuff

a few weeks ago, i was diagnosed with this chronic disease called small intestinal bacterial overgrowth. people call it SIBO. this is what i felt like when i received the news.

i’ve been dealing with a lot the last four to five weeks. i know i haven’t really been present on here, and honestly, that space has been relieving. i think what is overwhelming me most is the abrupt and almost instantaneous changes that are happening in my life to cure what has seemed like almost six years of health problems.

what does that look like? bouncing between 2 different “diets” that have opposite restrictions (note: “diet” in this context = limiting certain foods to keep me from relapsing into SIBO, not trying to lose weight). seeing 4 doctors regularly— 5 after today. beginning my cycle of antibiotics for what i thought would be 3 months. explaining to people what i can’t eat and why i can’t eat it. having to prove to people that my health matters.

i think it is honest to say that i am frustrated. i’m slowly acknowledging these “setbacks” as progress— that this is what i need to push through, deal with, accept to get better. i am getting better. it gets easier to make this distinction as i see improvements in my health.

for me, the struggles that i am facing in recovery have had more of a mental impact than a physical one. i don’t want to restrict my food, but i am being asked to. i don’t want to check labels on the back of containers, but it is heavily recommended that i do so. in minor ways, i am being asked to return to disordered habits. i know that i cannot let that happen.

sibo recovery has been a test of my recovery from previous disorders. i dismiss disordered thoughts as soon as they enter my head space. i try to think less about why i am eating something even though i have to make sure i know what i am eating. i’m starting to practice mindful eating. i just have to slow down.

i have proven to myself that i am stronger than whatever i was going through many years ago.

and i am so incredibly proud of myself for that.

i’m getting better. i’ve been coping with the stress of my fluctuating health the best way i know how: cooking. i make breakfast in my dorm every day. you can find out what i get to eat every morning as i document my meals here.

i’m getting stronger.

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slow down

i have to keep reminding myself to slow down. to slow slow slow down. to not overanalyze minute details. to draw my attention away from the things that should matter less.

i had a little bit of a mental breakdown on monday. it was this feeling of pent up and enclosing anxiousness and fear of myself. my head was bubbling with self-deprecating thoughts that kept nagging and nagging at me. i was breaking myself down in small, stinging ounces. i knew that it was all in my head. it didn’t matter. i couldn’t stop myself from thinking of myself in this critical light of revulsion. i knew that it was agonizing me but for half the day i just couldn’t stop. i boxed myself in with my own thoughts. i was dipping back into old depressive habits when i was younger.

i called my mom.

and i clicked.

i distracted myself. i cleaned, made my bed, pounded out work, ate. i took a walk. and i took a bikeride to run errands that i had been putting off. just checking off boxes helped me feel better. i took some time to just sit in the sun for a little bit. i reached out to my friends for help. i felt better. i got some bright yellow flowers.

i’m more conscious of how my mind reacts to these bouts of anxiety. i can control them better. but in the moment, i feel entirely caged in my head. i just need to become better at seeing the bigger picture in these entrapping but minuscule moments.

i’m getting better.

thanks for hearing me.

just slow down, iz.

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"maximize all the pleasure"

hi. it’s been awhile. a really long while. like almost a month a while.

it’s okay. i’ve been doing great. school is great. i’m glad to be back in los angeles despite it being 55˚F every day with only bits of sun here and there. i’m already thinking about how the summer will go, and that will be very exciting (for all of us). more to come.

i’ve been addicted to toro y moi lately. after seeing him in october (? i think) with my friend at the novo with his debut of outer peace with a hyperbolic light show, my addiction began. the full album didn’t come out until last month, so it’s been on repeat in my room while i sit in a dazed state near my window every couple of days.

toro just released the first music video for the new album: “ordinary pleasure”. it just exemplifies a) a visually satisfying single take, b) my dream studio, and c) my expert level of dancing (thanks for showing the dancer in you, chaz).

happy happy happy stuff.

bye for now.

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my first film school video is about pencils

our first project for our first freshman production class was to make a 60-second movie about a “moment”. this was mine.

enjoy.

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2019! & found artists: hiller goodspeed

happy almost new year. 2-0-1-9.

happy birthday to my 5-5 year-old papa. he hasn’t aged since 33.

2-0-1-9. 20-19. 20-nineteen. twenty-nineteen. that’s a weird one. i was just getting used to 2018. it feels like years are rapidly accelerating more than normal. i think i’m in this place where new things are new all the time and new things are a lot more frequent than normal or expected or “i’m-used-to-it” things. i love it. it’s experimental and unpredictable. i get to try and do things on my own, and even though that scares me, it’s also pushing me to figure things out as efficiently and effectively as i can.

i’m being pushed (emotionally, creatively, etc.) and that is exciting.

to celebrate both my dad’s birthday and new year, my mom, dad, q and i usually announce what things we want to work on for the next 365 days. ““new year’s resolutions”” is what the people call it, i believe?

so here are a few of mine:

1. start a weekly (or maybe bi-weekly) video series. get those creative ! juices ! flowing !

2. read a couple times a week instead of exploring the dark interwebs

3. content & quality > frequency & quantity (this is a continued resolution)

4. don’t stay silent.

5. join organizations or groups (in school) that push my boundaries (creatively, socially, etc.)

6. make a lot more art since i have the freedom

what are your resolutions of 2019?

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oh, yeah. hiller goodspeed. what this post is really about. his doodles, art, sketches, gifs, and whatnot make me really happy. they are emblematic of my dry, sarcastic humor. i’m sure we share that same sense of what' is “““funny”””. his drawings weren’t originally in a notebook, but i thought it added an analogous feel.

there’s not much color diversity. and i love that. they’re simple (yet also sophisticated?) drawings and i love that too. they’re just fun.

i thought it would be only appropriate to share them. you’re welcome.

“most of my drawings begin with a great deal of thought. i eavesdrop and daydream and take in my surroundings which i later refine and re-purpose in my artwork. i have email drafts and notebooks where i record half-thoughts and ideas that might become more interesting once i’ve had time to think about them.” - hiller goodspeed, for it’s nice that

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happy (almost) new year!

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spice-y overnight oats

hi there. it’s been awhile without any new recipe updates. while i’ve been back at home, i’ve been making a lot of overnight oats lately. spice-y or milk-y or blueberry-y or matcha-y? i’m sharing this suuuuuper easy and quick way to make overnight oats topped with whatever i had in pantry. that simple.

here we go:

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spice-y overnight oats

serves 1

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what you do

1. combine oats, almond milk, chia, flax, spices, and tahini into bowl. stir until completely combined

2. refrigerate overnight or at least 3 hours

3. if too thick after refrigerating, thin out with a little more almond milk

4. top with more tahini (or even almond butter), pistachios, blueberries, and greek yogurt

5. enjoy

what you need

1/3 cup old fashioned oats

3/4 cup almond milk

1 tablespoon chia seeds

1 tablespoon flax seed meal

1/4 teaspoon ground ginger (or fresh!)

1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

1/2-1 tablespoon tahini

1 tablespoon maple syrup

tahini to drizzle

blueberries (or other fresh fruit) to serve

pistachios (or other nuts) to serve

greek yogurt to serve to serve

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i've been watching

hey. it’s been a bit. it’s been a 43-day bit hiatus. things have been made. movies have been watched. papers have been written. and everything else in between.

i’m back home for four weeks. i’m excited to just have some down time to cook and maybe make some mini movies, but i’m also anxious about getting stir crazy. it’ll be a balance.

speaking of watching, these are some of the things i’ve loved recently:

1. movement

i think i’m a pretty picky music video critic. hozier’s song “movement” in tandem with a very raw dance and dark, shadow-y footage makes for a stunningly beautiful video. i love the side-by-side twins (and eventually triplets) cut together to make a seamless choreography.

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2. where the artists live

me and my friend ana (whose work is awesome !) share art things and design porn frequently. she sent me this new york times video a few days ago about the (kind of) communal space of a few artists. look at those windows. look at the interiors!

“that half door. holy sh*t” - me

“so amazing. the windows>>” - ana

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3. sushi scene from isle of dogs (2018)

it’s well known that i’m a sucker for wes anderson films. isle of dogs was no exception to my obsession. i love this scene so much (and have consequently watched a few more analysis videos than needed on it). can you believe that this is stop motion with mini-figures. the detail is crazy. and this is a time lapse of how it was made.

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4. tom misch medley

misch has never failed to amaze me. his talent live is even more apparent (especially with the slick comps and improvs). wow o wow. i just want to dance in my room. please watch all ~15 minutes of this for your ears’ pleasure.

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5. date and walnut loaf

i love nina montagne’s videos. they’re warm, cozy, inspiring, peaceful. although i don’t eat vegan, i appreciate the simplicity and transparency of her recipes. they’re real. in between videos about food and things, she talks about self love, stress, the joys of being alone, and wellness. it’s really lovely

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hope you like my little update

in case you’ve been wondering what things I have been up to in the past 43 days:

• come home for the first time and realizing i don’t live in NYC anymore

• 2-on-1 lime scooter-ing from koreatown with john

• vote ! !

• win 8 jars of almond butter

• dress up as azumi fujita for halloween (me, for reference)

• fit 6 people in a 4-person car in the rain with the top down

• survive the usc-ucla rose bowl game (loss)

• see toro y moi in concert

• ride home on the bike handlebars with aaron in the pouring rain

• witness a ferris wheel in the middle of campus

• make a short film about an intense dodgeball championship set to '“sicko mode” by travis scott

• rent a casita to live in next year

• ice skate at midnight with like 30 of my friends

• visit casey neistat at 368 (broadway)

• get a christmas tree (not the shrub like last year)

welcome back.

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5 things to make this week

hi there. remember this iconic post when i did that cool thing with the roll-over image? yeah check that out again for these sweet potato bowls.

over the past couple of weeks i’ve been realizing how much i miss new york city autumn. like this sort of thing. any color besides the very vivid blue whenever there’s never a single cloud in the sky—which constitutes most of the week.

i can’t even remember what it was like to have lived here and see this every day. i’m revisiting, i guess.

something i haven’t done is share some link-love stuff. here’s what i’ve loved over the past week or so:

• i could look at a hand making lines all day

• “hey it’s tom misch” and this is awesome

• rose pink sneaker love (with velcro, because velcro is still a lazy style)

• someone reminded me of the eames house recently. i remember seeing one of my favorite videos there when i was little in the yard.

• this film was incredible. watch it asap.

and now onto the autumnal things i’d like to make sooner or later:

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1. sweet potato bowls with spiced lamb

i’ve really been loving sweet potatoes lately. i’m able to steam them in my microwave in my dorm room and just top them with almond butter, yogurt, and coconut that get warmed and gooey. weird? eh. i guess this recipe is more or less an upscale and savory version… spiced lambs, mushrooms, quick-pickle fennel and onions, and yeah, yogurt just how i like it.

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2. kabocha and kale miso soba salad

i have a little bit of an obsession with the winter squash family. (couldn’t you tell from the last recipe being sweet potatoes?). i’ve been meaning to make soba salad recently, and i feel like a miso dressing is the perfect umami-salty flavor to balance out the mild sweetness of the kabocha squash. and a little added kale for good measure. need those greens, too.

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3. ottolenghi’s lamb + pistachio patties

the wonderful yotam ottolenghi just released a new cookbook of simpler recipes for the amateurs like me. from the pages i’ve gotten to see (from a copy at a design book store in culver city) the recipes are, yes, simple, but uniquely flavored and have pretty minimal ingredients. like these lamb and pistachio patties! and yeah, yogurt is also featured. there’s a lot of izzy food trends happening here…

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4. chicory salad with honey-mustard vinaigrette

okay! now! for! very! simple! things! sweet & bitter things. honey & chicory leaves. there’s nothing like a super simple salad for your more complicated entree. “sweet and sharp” is how bon appetit describes it. plus this photograph is just so beautiful.

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5. steak tacos with cilantro-radish salsa

okay, i’ve realized that LA has really good tacos. especially street tacos. that you can’t really find in new york city, or at least, i never really tried hard enough to look. these skirt steak tacos are another addition to our simple recipe collection. a lot of savory and salty going on here: medium-rare steak, a crunchy radish salsa slaw, only the most complementary herbs, and salty cojita cheese to top it off. don’t forget lime.

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i seriously need to make all these things.

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october diary

oct 1, 2018

the broad & walt disney concert hall projections

went to the broad with john in the afternoon. there was a long ling for the infinity room x kusama exhibit. ended up going to the kusama “pod” that you could only stand and look into. the security guards timed you for 30 seconds. walked around to the disney concert hall projections. sat on a cleared parking lot structure. it was a little underwhelming. watching the shadows drift on the broad was conversely a lot more pretty.

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october 6-7, 2018

weekend in venice beach & photoshoot for veuve cliquot polo classic

drove out to venice to meet simbarashe and the rest of the team. got tacos on abbot kinney for dinner. prepped for our shoot the next day. didn’t sleep. was in the sun photographing at veuve cliquot polo from 9a-6p. my legs hurt by the end. celebrated with an ironic meal of pizza, ben & jerry’s and champagne. ate twice at great white. i learned a lot.

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october 20, 2018

row DTLA

went with maia to row DTLA this morning. it was quiet and serene. popped in and out of little shops. sat at a table and just listened to cars and the birds and the people putting away produce boxes from earlier in the morning. bought a little pin that says, “art every day.” it felt a little empty.

october is almost over.

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fargo (1996)

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yeah, i’m a film student now. i watch films. i write essays on them or prompts or whatever. i must consider composition like i plan for it, and map out shots before i see them. it’s a weird and new process.

for class i wrote,

“what are the major elements of composition that the coen brothers employ in fargo (1996) that give the film it’s uniquely thrilling and unsettling feel and atmosphere? more specifically, what aspect of composition—framing, staging, or photography—do they seem to rely on most to achieve this?

personally, what struck me most about fargo’s composition was it style of photography. oftentimes, the coen brothers abruptly switch between perspectives—contrasting extreme long shots with close-ups or medium shots. especially in a place so barren and lifeless as minnesota and north dakota, the prolonged extreme long shots provided the film with an even more eerie and mysterious atmosphere. not only that, but they are strangely and starkingly* beautiful—being my favorite detail of this film.”

i’m a film student now.

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found artists: alex proba

“making [is the best part of my job]. and the people i am making things with.”

alex proba is a “multidisciplinary designer”. a woman of multiple mediums working with shapes and colors and form of all kinds. in 2013, she founded studio proba, where all of her work can be found — aka graphic joy.

one of her most recent projects has been her “a poster a day project” which has been ongoing for almost 3 years. it was, she writes, her way from getting unstuck — to design without really thinking but just playing around without guidelines for thirty minutes every evening.

from abstract to surreal to pattern-filled to completely minimalist, each graphic is unique.

“I can’t take each and every one too seriously and I can’t spend too much time on it. If the result of this is me not liking some, than that’s okay, as long as it still stays my visual diary. That is what makes it truthful and real.”

there’s an integral drivenness that comes with creating something once a day every day for three years. in proba’s case, it requires a drive to not only challenge yourself to create consistently but to let things settle in once they are created (sometimes). often times, i realize, i have a similar idealist/perfectionist mindset when making something.

over the past few years i’ve learned to come to terms with my “bad” art — classified usually by the fact that a) i am not proud of it or b) it just sucks overall. alex is right though: that kind of art is healthy and almost essential to becoming a better artist.

we must remember the sucky stuff we made to figure out how to do something cooler next time. i think about that daily. the sucky stuff is the most real. we made it.

happy monday.

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p.s. happy birthday, gab

hello, la

hello.

i’m in a new place. i’m 3000 miles away from home-home. i call this place “home” now. my friends seem to hate it. i’m just a jumble of homesickness. i’m settled. or settling. i’m creating but just not in the way i expected i would. it’s coming soon, though.

i’m meeting cool people. i’m friends with art people, film people, business people, econ people. i’m finding “me”s. or more interesting “me”s, which thrills me.

i want to make more!

i want to film more!

i want to take the metro more!

it’s only been four weeks.

i’m in a constant reminding-myself-mode that i am just getting started.

i miss home.

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goodbye, hello

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

i miss you.

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summer polaroids

i have three weeks until i leave for los angeles. back home i go. 

it's weird. i'm living these summer moments home candidly and with the intention and the knowledge that they will be my last in this sort of situation, as a high schooler living in new york. that's weird to me. i won't be seeing anyone from home until november. what????? i'm on my own. 

i thought i'd reflect on a few photos that don't exactly sum up my summer but thought were indicative of the sort of stuff i've been up to. they're not in no particular order because chaotic order is more style. or organized chaos, i guess.

i've been walking around and eating and dining and making and doing and cooking and baking and reading and relaxing and visiting museums and seeing people and eating ice cream and dying on the really hot days. 

i remind myself every few days that i must really savor these moments with the people i love here. this is not an ordinary moment. thank you to everyone who's made it special.

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crispy + chewy chocolate chip cookies

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do you ever have those moments where you're like, "holy sh*t i'm a genius"? i had that today. not for any sort of real epiphany or creation or idea, but for, you know, cookies. 

these are the perfect cookies. i even made my own chocolate chips to go with them because i'm bougie like that. carob chunks to be exact. sea salt. unbelievably crispy + crunchy on the outside and the perfect chew on the inside. the most optimal serving of 8 cookies. enough to fulfill the cravings for a few days without overdoing it with 2 cookies every day. 

holy sh*t, i'm a genius.

something that you may or may not know about me is that my digestion is god awful. i have trouble digesting the most basic and most small amount of food. it sucks and i've been dealing with it for a while now. 

foodies on instagram have presented new knowledge to me: for example, aiding and healing your gut with collagen powder, bone broth, gelatin, and digestive enzymes. it's slow but steady. i'm still figuring out what makes my stomach want to jump out the window. i haven't gotten very far in the past few months. 

i'm leaning towards a somewhat aip-type way of eating. aka no eggs, grains, legumes, nuts/seeds, dairy, nightshades, and chocolate. the chocolate really hit me here. (i can already confirm that nightshades mess me up). it looks more restrictive than it is... i've been eating a lot of carob powder, coconut butter, and a wider array of fruits than when i was on keto. i'm feeling better.

hopefully i figure out what's up. 

well, this spiel is really just an introduction to these cookies. they are aip-compliant and so freaking good i could cry. lately my aip creations have been garbage. 

these beg to differ. 

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crispy + chewy chocolate chip cookies

makes 6 large cookies / 8 smaller cookies

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what you do

1. first, make the chocolate chips (recipe below)

2. preheat oven to 350˚F. in a medium bowl, mix coconut flour, coconut oil, maple syrup, sea salt, and vanilla powder. 

3. add coconut milk, baking soda, and other 1 tablespoon of gelatin over cookie dough. don't stir in yet.

4. in another small bowl, mix together 1 tablespoon of gelatin with 1 room temp tablespoon of water. then add in 2 boiling tablespoons of water and whisk vigorously until smooth. 

5. add gelatin/water mixture over cookie dough and mix everything together.

6. wait at least 5 minutes for the dough to absorb liquid. stir in homemade chocolate chunks or carob chips.

8. using a small ice cream scooper, form 6-8 cookie dough balls (make sure there are chocolate chips on top for aesthetic purposes).

9. bake on parchment paper for 14 minutes, or until the outside of the cookies are verrrrry golden and crispy.

10. wait to cool and firm up before eating.

what you need

• 1/3 cup coconut flour

• 1/4 cup coconut oil (softened)

• 3 tablespoons maple syrup (maybe even a little less depending on your sweet tolerance)

• 1/4 teaspoon vanilla powder

• 1 pinch of sea salt

• 2 tablespoons grass fed gelatin, separated

• 3 tablespoons water (1 room temp / 2 boiling) [***note: sub gelatin and water for 1 egg)

• 2 tablespoons coconut milk (i used canned)

• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda

• 1/3 cup homemade chocolate chunks (see recipe below)

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homemade carob chunks

makes a bunch of carob chunks

what you do

1. in a double-broiler, melt cacao butter 

2. i used a muffin tin to make molds for my chocolate and then chopped them up (you can use a normal chocolate mold if you'd like). anyways, cut up strips of parchment thinner in width than the width of the muffin tin. place one in each muffin tin with one end sticking out. these will help you remove the chocolate afterwards.

3. make powdered coconut sugar by either blending or coffee-grinding coconut sugar for 30 seconds (or until very fine).

4. remove bowl with cacao butter from heat and add carob powder and coconut sugar until there are no lumps. the chocolate mixture will be quite thick. 

5. evenly distribute chocolate into 4-5 "lined" muffin tins depending on how thick you want the chunks to be.

6. freeze for 30 minutes. remove using the parchment "tabs" and take off the parchment from the chocolate. chop into large chunks and keep stored in the freezer.

what you need

• 3 tablespoons (42g) cacao butter

• 6 tablespoons carob powder

• 2 tablespoons coconut sugar

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i love cookies

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~updated~ pancakes

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hey ho! 

it's muggy outside! it's gross outside! i hate walking outside! this is new york city at its finest: humid and hot summertime. it's cool though. i only have to deal with it a bit longer before having to deal with it every day in los angeles (hello, college). 

*sigh*

i question whether i was really born for sun. 

i realize i haven't done a link love-ish thing in a while-- where i share internet things that have piqued my interest and things. maybe i'll do that now. that sounds like a plan.

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izzy's link love of july thus far

1. yesterday, me and my friend isla popped into this ~concept~ store in nolita, nyc called bulletin with the coolest shirts and jewelry and lapel pins and other things that celebrate females. a portion of all purchases goes directly to planned parenthood of nyc. yessssss.

2. as i'm slowly starting the process of figuring out what i need for college living (more specifically, in the heat of LA), i realized that what i really really really need in life is this handmade double-sided graphic quilt from cold picnic. get ready for my plant-filled/interior-designed dorm next year. 

3. yeah, it feels like summer.

4. jack harries's new short films never fail to amaze me. a narrative on the effects of technology, rawness, traveling, and connecting with others: headed east.

5. ever since i watched this video (living as a new yorker), i've never not noticed this thing that train conductors do.

6. you know i love james turrell.

[[[ end of link love ]]]

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now, onto that pancakes recipe. aka what this post is really about.

remember these? i don't even remember the last time i made those pancakes. (hint, it was actually over a year ago). i don't even remember the last time i had a banana.

so here, i give you an updated fluffy pancakes recipe. it involves fresh egg whites (leftover from making frozen custard) and coconut flour. easy peasy.

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fluffy pancakes for one

serves 1

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what you do

1. in a small bowl, sift together coconut flour, coconut sugar, baking powder, and salt. mix until combined.

2. in another medium bowl, whip egg whites and vanilla until stiff peaks form.  

3. pour flour mixture and coconut yogurt into whipped egg whites. starting with 1 tablespoon, fold together almond milk with everything else using using a spatula until a thick batter forms. you might not need all 1/3 cup of the milk. 

4. spray a castiron skillet with coconut oil and set dollops of 1/4 cup of batter onto the pan. cook for 2-3 minutes on each side until the edges are brown. 

5. serve and drown in (very pure, very vermont) maple syrup.

what you need

• 3 tablespoons coconut flour
• 1 tablespoon coconut sugar
• pinch of baking powder
• pinch of salt
• 3 large egg whites
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 tablespoon coconut yogurt (or applesauce) 
• 1/3 cup almond milk

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you're welcome. 

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blondies!

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hey? what's up?? 

guess what i've been up to this past month or so?

cooking

getting a job at my favorite restaurant

sleeping in (sorta)

walking late at night with my mom

reminiscing about new mexico

and other tidbits. 

something i've cooked/baked-experimented last week was blondies.

i love blondies. i actually don't even remember the last time i had a real blondie. like butter, flour, milk chocolate chunks-- the works. i'm pretty sure when i was little, my mom used to throw in white chocolate and butterscotch chips too. a super blondie, if you will. pretty sure it was these ones...

but these are different. they're also super blondies, but on the other side of the spectrum... not of extravagance but of...healthiness? 

hope i didn't lose you there. 

i've been trying to experiment with new flours and whole foods ingredients and consequently came up with this thing. they're suuuuupuer moist, suuuuuuper healthy, suuuuuper simple (if you have the right ingredients). they're borderline aip-compliant with a few substitutions (if that's your vibe). but regardless, they're incredible and i'm glad i still have 5 more squares in my fridge right now. 

there's also a secret ingredient in them (hint hint at my whole foods experimentation): plantains. or rather, a singular plantain. it adds the moistness of a banana without getting any banana-like flavor at all. aka it tastes like a (neutral-tasting) normal blondie with a health kick to it. bomb.

things i like to hear.

anyway, here's the recipe. it's just an excuse to try out tigernut flour and plantains. you're welcome.

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flaked sea-salt plantain blondies

serves 9

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what you do

1. preheat oven to 350f. line a 8x8 baking pan with parchment paper (can be hanging off the sides). i do a double-check-non-stick spray on top of the parchment paper, just in case. 

2. in a blender, combine all wet ingredients: peeled plantain, eggs, vanilla, coconut yogurt, and coconut butter until completely smooth.

3. in another bowl, sift dry ingredients: tigernut and coconut flour, beef gelatin, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. mix until combined. 

4. pour wet mixture into the dry and use a spatula to fold wet into the dry mixture. carefully fold in chopped dark chocolate (saving a small handful for the top). 

5. pour (or rather scoop since it's quite thick) batter into lined baking pan and spread evenly. press your remaining small handful of dark chocolate chunks onto the top for ultimate pretty-blondie action. sprinkle flaked sea salt on top for ultra-ultimate pretty-blondie action.

6. bake for 35 minutes or until center is cooked and there is a golden top and a toothpick comes out clean when pierced in the center. 

7. let cool out of the hot pan on top of a cookie rack. make sure to let cool for at least 30 minutes before cutting. 

8. enjoy!

what you need

• 1 yellow plantain (mine was ~150g)
• 2 eggs
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (or 1/2 teaspoon vanilla powder if AIP)
• 1/4 cup coconut yogurt
• 2 tablespoons coconut butter, melted
• 1/2 cup tigernut flour
• 1/4 cup coconut flour
• 1 tablespoon beef gelatin
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

• 6oz 80%+ dark chocolate, roughly chopped
• flaked sea salt

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3 days

earlier this spring, my dad and i drove for 3 days from new york to new mexico. and back. i used my iPhone to record what i heard and saw on the way.

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i was grey

here's the thing about graduating at my school. you wear white. pure, crisp, blinding white. or, at least, that's what you're supposed to wear. commencement is a big deal for obvious reasons: it's a nod at our efforts to succeed at school for the past 13 years and it's a celebration of our last moments of being a teenager in high school. like a lot of other schools, we honor our graduation with diplomas, singing, and our families and close friends in front of us while we grin onstage. we are being championed for us. i am being championed for me. 

the symbolic purity of white dresses is something i've only found at my school, (though i know others do it as well in the city). i wasn't exactly white though.

on graduation day, i knew it was coming-- looks (greatly disapproving) and comments towards my dress. i acknowledged that i was pushing white. even though i had expected some pushback before i came to school, i was still so excited to feel beautiful on a day that celebrates me for me, because that's what commencement is all about, right?

someone had approached me before we walked on stage and told me that the color of my dress would ruin pictures. i kind of spiraled into a whirlpool of self-deprecating and self-conscious mind junk after that. 

i did not feel beautiful, i was insecure. i felt ashamed. i didn't smile wholeheartedly until i realized that people didn't have to look me up and down anymore. the biggest day of our entire upper school life and i showed up looking abnormal. 

but eventually i sucked it up. 

i am me for me. maybe my dress wasn't white, but it was me. "irrefutably you" is what one of my friends told me. 

and that was it.

i was grey. 

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