Posts in blah blah blah
counting my blessings

things haven’t been going my way lately.

it seems as though my health (not even my chronic stuff anymore) is constantly faltering. the physical pain weighs stress on my body and on my mind week after week. i’ve already been trying to take care of my staggering mental health in every way i can. it seems like i don’t have enough time to figure everything out. i feel like i’m spreading myself thin to fix myself.

i didn’t foresee the extreme pitfall that is living alone with all of these things (bad physical/mental health) going on. if i’m away from my home-for-one, every problem i may worry about feels minimal and temporary. only when i come home to empty spaces and rooms and atmospheres do i feel the flood of everything bad rushing into my thoughts.

i feel alone.

i have to generate my own happiness instead of relying on those directly around me to share their joy with me. there aren’t many directly around me. i didn’t realize how hard that would be. it is so much easier for me to think about all the things in my life that i am struggling to fix when i am alone. i keep falling into pits of self-doubt and anxiety.

i have my space to breathe. but my space is dangerous. right now, it’s a little suffocating. at night, i’m locked inside with my head and my introspection and self-scrutiny. i’m fighting with myself constantly. i wish i were stronger.

lately, i have been relying on my friends more. being emotional a bit more. going to bed a little bit earlier after my friends leave so i can’t give myself the chance to be seized into my thoughts. it’s do-able for now but i’m trying to find ways to make it more sustainable.

i’ve been trying to more frequently and genuinely acknowledge all the good things i do have and that can make me happy. my progress has been small, but it has been getting better. i must count my blessings to get out of this rut.

i’ll get through this.

love, izzy

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and i'll be singing
halle-halle-halle-halle-halle-hallelujah
halle-hallelujah
whether you like it or not

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blah blah blahizzy raelComment
want me back
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i’m building this playlist as i’m writing and thinking and generally reflecting on the past 24 days since i’ve written last. listen to it if you want while you read.

i told my therapist today that even though i’ve been going through a lot of (sh*t) stuff, i’ve become more self-aware. i’m more cognizant of what i need and how i need to make myself feel better. i’m in new york city for 10 more days before i go ‘home’, and then i start school and hopefully everything’s back to normal again.

i explained to someone the other day why i’ve been anxious– from moving to LA, living by myself, doing things by myself for myself, having a full time job… he said, “isn’t that everything you wanted?”. and yes, it was everything i wanted and still want. it took me a second to figure out why things weren’t as great as i had expected them to be.

i was excited for change. big change. and yeah, i created the biggest change i could possibly contrive for myself. every single facet of life changed once i moved. for one, where i was; more importantly, who i was with (and who i wasn’t), what i spent most of my day doing, the expanded control i had over the minute choices in my day, new earthquakes, new injuries, new health concerns. problems.

the change was explosive. gut-wrenching. and, in a lot of ways, problematic. i assumed i was ready for these adjustments, seeing as they were, in fact, “everything i wanted”. but, the fact that i eventually begged for an escape back to new york proves that i wasn’t as prepared as i had originally thought myself to be.

i was not ok. now i’m ok. i have breathing room. i keep using that word in conversations. ‘breathe’. i can breathe. i’m turning 20 next month and 6 weeks ago moving out to la i thought i was 19 going on 27.

yeah, i feel back to being 19.

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“i don’t wanna go home

shall we drive from zone to zone?

i wouldn’t do this on my own”

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i know a lot of you check in on here often to see what i’m sharing even though i’m pretty infrequent with posts. if you want to be updated of when i do write on here, you can sign up for a newsletter from me so you don’t have to be disappointed when you drop by and nothing’s changed.

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if i'm being honest
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i’m feeling lost. anxious. on edge.

alone.

i’m not lonely but i feel alone.

there’s a lot going on in los angeles and in my life and i’m having a hard time keeping up with the changes by myself. earthquakes are on my mind. the big one seems to be looming over california. this overwhelming feeling of being alone in a disaster makes me uneasy. it’s hard to stay grounded when, for days, talk of how to be prepared for an event like that was all that seemed to be on the news. it’s funny how we listen to the news to keep informed about current events, but sometimes it’s too much weight to bear. it messes with me sometimes.

i took a break for a few days.

i’m still adjusting to this new life here, but it seems like things are being thrown at me before i’ve acclimated to alone-ness. i need to learn to enjoy alone-ness before i can be okay with being alone in scenarios where i don’t want to be.

i fractured my foot in an accident of my own doing on friday. i spent most of the day in different hospitals around los angeles just trying to get help on my own. i have never been alone when i was hurt. i have never used a wheelchair before. it was difficult for me to get around, but i kept trying. los angeles felt so big and i felt so so small. isolated. i think i felt more psychological and emotional pain on friday than i did physical. my foot is still blue and purple and black all over, and i’m working from home the rest of the month.

life is hitting me harder than i thought it would right now. i am more fragile and susceptible to complete emotional pivots within my day. i just want to go home.

i just want to be honest.

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