here's the thing about graduating at my school. you wear white. pure, crisp, blinding white. or, at least, that's what you're supposed to wear. commencement is a big deal for obvious reasons: it's a nod at our efforts to succeed at school for the past 13 years and it's a celebration of our last moments of being a teenager in high school. like a lot of other schools, we honor our graduation with diplomas, singing, and our families and close friends in front of us while we grin onstage. we are being championed for us. i am being championed for me. 

the symbolic purity of white dresses is something i've only found at my school, (though i know others do it as well in the city). i wasn't exactly white though.

on graduation day, i knew it was coming-- looks (greatly disapproving) and comments towards my dress. i acknowledged that i was pushing white. even though i had expected some pushback before i came to school, i was still so excited to feel beautiful on a day that celebrates me for me, because that's what commencement is all about, right?

someone had approached me before we walked on stage and told me that the color of my dress would ruin pictures. i kind of spiraled into a whirlpool of self-deprecating and self-conscious mind junk after that. 

i did not feel beautiful, i was insecure. i felt ashamed. i didn't smile wholeheartedly until i realized that people didn't have to look me up and down anymore. the biggest day of our entire upper school life and i showed up looking abnormal. 

but eventually i sucked it up. 

i am me for me. maybe my dress wasn't white, but it was me. "irrefutably you" is what one of my friends told me. 

and that was it.

i was grey. 

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i'm done. officially done. (just not a grad quite yet).

i celebrated my last day of classes with a netflix binge, a steak, and garlic sugar snap peas. maybe not a whole steak. but definitely the majority of one (thanks, abby's mom). 

and then i ate these muffins this morning for a bit of an after-party.

classes are over. may 18. yesterday was my last day of wearing a green kilt, my last english class, my last math class (talking about gerrymandering, of all things), my last lunch out, my last skipping of first period. that was it.  

and yet, it doesn't really feel over. 

the past few weeks have been worrying over outfits and shoes and dates for prom. it's crazy. i never really thought that i would make it to prom (forever ago, it just seemed like some unattainable event in tv shows based in suburbia. which is half true). 

it's coming to an end. and then arising into a new beginning at film school next year. 

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damn, i'm a graduating senior. there goes thirteen years of my life.

p.s. i compiled a playlist of songs that have recapitulated those thirteen years. 

if you're a teenager, get ready for nostalgia. 

make sure you listen whilst whipping up these muffins. 

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carrot cake muffins

serves 6

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what you do

1. preheat oven to 350˚F. grease 6 muffin pans and set aside. 

2. in a medium bowl, whisk together almond flour, psyllium husk, flaxseed meal, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and spices. set aside.

3. in another bowl, cream together coconut oil and sweetener until fluffy and light. whip in vinegar and vanilla extract until fully incorporated. 

4. mix in eggs one at a time. (the wet mixture looks a little "broken" at this point. totally normal). 

5. add in the dry flour mixture in two parts. mix for a few minutes until fully incorporated. fold in carrots. 

6. distribute batter evenly into 6 muffin pans, smoothing out the tops. bake for 13-15 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. 

7. let cool, add coconut cream, almond butter, and cacao nibs for some fun. enjoy.

what you need

• 1/2 cup fine almond flour
• 2 tablespoons psyllium husk, ground
• 1/4 cup flaxseed meal
• 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/4 cup coconut oil, softened/room temperature
• 1/4 cup granulated sweetener (i used monkfruit sugar)
• 1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 teaspoon vanilla bean powder
• 2 eggs
• 3 medium carrots, finely grated

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yeah, i've made zucchini bread, pumpkin bread, and carrot cake muffins in the span of 15 days.

⌇